Barney's Fun
(The doors open as a blind pirate comes in with a walking stick) * Pirate: Billy Bones...it's me, Blind Pew! * (He turns away from the group as they back away) * Blind Pew: (Pirate) I know you're here, Billy... (smacking facts) you sniveling coward! * Rizzo: It's some kind of a blind friend. * Gonzo: I believe they prefer "visually challenged fiend". * Blind Pew: (narrows) I heard that! There's someone here! * (He continues whacking as he keeps heading to the moose head) * Blind Pew: Ah, Billy Bones, I know that scurvy mug of your; anywhere. * Jim: Excuse me, sir, but the bar is closed. * Blind Pew: Aha! A pretty little girl, is it? Yes...take me to Billy Bones, my pet. * Jim: You've come to the wrong place. If there's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl! * Blind Pew: (smirks) Oh, I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying. * (They look confused as he nears the dwarf guard) * Blind Pew: What? Good evening, Bill. I know it's you. Yes. You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? (frowns) Just take it all for yourself; and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Bill...not at all. * (Then he gives Billy Bones a piece of paper) * Blind Pew: We want you to have this. He-he-he! * (Then he laughs, leaving where he comes in, tripping on a cat) * Blind Pew: (frustratedly) Watch where you're going, you stupid cat! * (The others look to the door, watching him disappear to the night. Then, they turn to Billy Bones as he is shaking, holding the paper with a black spot in the middle) * Billy Bones: The black spot! (yells) * (He runs to his room as the others see him packing) * Jim: But I don't understand. What is the black spot? * Billy Bones: The black spot's a pirate's death sentence. * Gonzo: (glances/sarcastically) Famous... * Billy Bones: (putting them in) They'll be coming to murder me tonight! * Rizzo: (sighs) We'd better help. * Gonzo: Yes, let's get some stuff. * (Then he points to a huge chest) * Billy Bones: It's my old sea chest them lubbers are after. Underwear! (smirks) But I'll trick them. I'll shake out another reef and skedaddle them again! * Rizzo: You wanna run that by us again in English, Mr. Bones? * (He stuffs the cases as he closes them, trying to place it all in) * Billy Bones: (glances) It's mine, I'm going for that treasure myself! And no one-legged son of a bilge rat will-- * (Then he has a stroke and lands in the bed) * Jim: Captain Bones! * Gonzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a children's movie. * Rizzo: Oh. * (Billy Bones gasps for air as he looks at Jim Hawkins) * Billy Bones: Jimmy...Jim...you always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones; but I'm not Jimmy. * Jim: Yes, Captain. What is this? * Billy Bones: (points to the boy) Take the map... * Jim: What map? * Billy Bones: The map to old Flint's treasure. Don't you understand what I've been warning you? I was Flinty's first mate! We all were...Blind Pew and me. My own shipmates....they're gully me for sure. And anybody else to get their mitts on that map... * Rizzo: (gulps) And gullying hurts, right? * Billy Bones: Oh, yes! A lot...well, run! Go to my sea chest! Get the map! * (They unroll the map and look at it. Gonzo smirks greedily) * Gonzo: We're gonna be rich! * Rizzo: (gulps) We're gonna be dead! * (They both turn as the old man speaks again) * Billy Bones: Beware, lads! Beware... * Gonzo: What? The one-legged man? * Billy Bones: Yes! But also...beware running with scissors or any other pointy objects. It's all good fun until somebody loses an-- (has a heart attack) Aahhhh!!!! * (Then, he falls limp on the bed lifelessly as Jim goes near him) * Jim: Captain? * Rizzo: We're standing in a room with a (jumps) DEAD GUY!! * (One evening, there is a fire. Then, the doors fling open as Blind Pew and the people go in and come to them) * Blind Pew: Oh, Billy Bones...trick or treat! (marching in) Don't try to hide, Billy! You do what we want! * (The crew enters as they tear the place apart while the others hide for shelter. I rushed to save the horses, but...) * Pirate #1: Where are you, Billy Bones? * Pirate #2: Where are you, Billy? * (Jim goes upstairs as Mrs. Bluveridge gasps) * Mrs. Bluveridge (thinking) I was hurt. * (Upstairs, the doors are being banged as the old woman, Mrs. Bluevridge awakens) * Pirate #3's Voice: There's no use in hiding! * Jim: Can't a woman get her beauty sleep anymore? * (The door opens as the old woman sees him as he swiftly goes in) * Mrs. Bluveridge: (gasping) Jim, whatcha doing here?